Silence

  • I was born in the late 60’s, and raised in a middle class home. In my family, speaking about personal, private things was a no-no. I kept a dairy as a little girl, but my brothers found it… I have had a difficult time committing anything to writing for a very long time. I was bullied relentlessly for years, in school. It got so bad that my mom was going to send me to a private school; but the school district changed the boundaries and I went to a diffent school. The new school was just as bad, at first. It did get better, but by then, it was too late for me- I had already started to isolate.I joined the Navy and endured a different kind of “bullying”. I loved bootcamp- my company commanders were both women, and I was noticed for my abilites; not my looks. That was the last time I was safe in the Navy. During A school (my first school), one of my instructors would write me little love notes. I was 19 years old. I made it though that school without being touched, but that all changed in my C school(specialty school, which was advanced x-ray).

    In the Navy, if a sailor has ANY personal issues, they are ordered to go see the Chaplain. I was ending an abusive relationship and was ordered to see this LT. I am not ready to share the details with the world yet, but he was stalking me, and ended with a sexual assault. On top of that, one of my instructors would regularly chase me around the dark room and pin me up against walls in the dark. The head of my class used to SCREAM at me and tell me that I was a horrible mother, because my daughter was in daycare. There was no getting away from any of the abuse; and I was just 20 and 21 years old.

    My next and last duty station was no better. My Chief would order my into his office, make me shut the door, and then assault me. I found out there was an opening at Parris Island, the Marine Corps bootcamp, and jumped at it. The Marines were AWESOME. Not one single issue with the Marines. I was “doc” which I think helped. I will always have a special place in my heart for the Marines. 

    One thing most of the public does not know is, if one reports sexual abuse, harrassment or assault, they are drummed out of the Navy, and they do their best to make sure we have no future. For years, I thought that I was the only one; it is pathetic that I am not, but at least I am not alone.

    Thank you for reading my first post, I appreciate it. God bless.

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12 thoughts on “Silence

    1. I would imagine your wife cares about her patients. Does not seem to be the case at my VA. Vet committed suicide waiting for therapy. I have read what my providers have written in my medical chart– and there are many lies, which I have no idea what to do about.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Unfortunately the VA has nearly insurmountable organizational problems which have been documented in several recent congressional studies. The VA needs transformational change centered around its core competencies, such as Mental Health.

        Despite all of these known problems, the VA still does not have the sense of urgency to begin to change.

        On a personal note, the VA electronic medical record promotes clinicians cutting and pasting past history. If no one sits down to review the chart with the veteran, errors get propagated indefinitely, like a bad children’s game of telephone. We all know that veterans read their charts. It would have to be an exceptionally deviant individual to actively lie about you, which is probably not the case.

        Again, you are not alone. The suicides are heartbreaking and a national disgrace. Two members of my brother-in-law’s platoon from Kosovo have chosen that pathway.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. It is disgusting that this goes on at all – but that the Navy condones it by taking it out on the victim if it is reported is DISGRACEFUL. I lost even more respect for that branch of the service just reading this. They need to FIX this!!

    Thank you for speaking out now – and I am so sorry that there was anything to speak out ABOUT.
    xx,
    mgh
    (Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMore dot com)
    – ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder –
    “It takes a village to transform a world!”

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for your kind words. Unfortunately, this has been going on for YEARS, and is still going strong. It breaks my heart to think about how many MST survivors have had their lives ruined. I have lost everything; father, siblings, children. It is tragic that I am not alone. I was the FIRST MST patient at my VA clic, and they had no idea what to do with me. I was abused by the VA from my very first day.
      It is one thing to live through this; and many of us don’t. I attempted suicide more than once, but it was not my time(I took enough morphine to kill a horse, and still woke up). We are a part of that 22 suicides a day.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. It is difficult for me to imagine how you must feel – so betrayed and SO angry, with no outlet for either. As I sit typing, perfectly safe and without that history, I feel that way myself on your behalf, in any case.

        What is it about men who have such an obscene entitlement complex that they believe they can get away with rape? These are the actions of nasty street thugs – NOT the supposedly honorable men in the uniforms of Service to this country – and who wear them still to continue to pillage as they will.

        More to the point, what is it about the OTHER men in the Navy that they don’t band together to stand up for the victims and insist on drumming the offenders out of the service — ruining the lives and careers of the individuals who created the problem, instead of those of the victims they prey upon?

        Are they themselves rapists at heart – or cowards? Are they THAT damaged by the way they are trained as soldiers that nothing of this nature offends their sense of humanity enough to move them to action?

        What is it about the twisted sexuality of MEN that turns penises into weapons?

        That’s where my thoughts go – and, as I think about this, I know a few really nice men whom I’m ready to throw into the same nasty pot in a “silence means consent” fashion.

        Your ability to trust must be shattered – especially since the VA is taking it out on *you* that they don’t know how to treat you. Surely they not unaware of DESNOS/C-PTSD?

        My prayers are with you — and I hope you find a way to heal from this horrific experience and that there is light at the end of a long, dark tunnel.

        Please use the site-search box on the top right side of the header on ADDandSoMuchMore.com to take a look at “Complex PTSD Awareness.”

        It won’t change a darned thing, but it might make you feel a bit better understood, and give you one or two resources you might not have already tried.

        I so wish there were more I could do – and more our country WOULD do about this horrific issue. My prayers are with you.
        xx,
        mgh

        Liked by 2 people

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