Today

My husband had his THIRD compensation and pension exam, today for the V.A. We had to drive 100 miles away from our home just for this appointment. My husband has been suffering for ten long years. It is absolutely ridiculous!! I cannot tell you how frustrating this has been. He has PTSD, has had more than one TBI, and don’t even get me started on his physical issues(he jumped out of planes for a couple of decades). His records were all wrong; the doctors THERE were surprised that his records said that certain things were normal, when they so obviously were NOT normal. It seems to me that the employees at the V.A. do NOT care to do their jobs to the best of their abilities. 

I hear crying that whistle-blowers are getting fired. I do feel sorry for them; but I could give a SHIT about their jobs—WE ARE DYING FOR NO GOOD REASON AT ALL!!! I think it is TOTALLY wrong, that those who are shining a light on this utter madness get fired, but they are fucking with our LIVES, not just livlihood.

Guess WHO decides whether a veteran has a legitamate MEDICAL claim, or not? If you answered, well, a doctor of course, you would be sadly mistaken. Lay fucking people(no offense to non medical people). LAWYERS TELL THE DOCTORS WHAT TO ASK! Americans, and probably a lot of veterans do not know this. THIS IS HOW FUCKED UP THE V.A. IS; FROM TOP TO BOTTOM.

I got us a motel room for the night before, and night of his exam, so it would not be so stressful. Do you think the V.A. gives a SHIT that we had to drive 100 miles, when there are at least TWO V.A.s that do these that are closer. It is Motel 6- not the greatest, but it is clean, close to where we needed to go, and pet friendly. We have to pay for wi-fi, and had no damn phone in our room; then my fucking key card stopped working; right after 11 am(check-out time), and we paid for another night. Once I had to walk back to the office for a THIRD time, I was pissed. In the end; got the stupid phone that we will not use, and free wi-fi.

I am working on protecting myself from others’ emotions bombarding me, and learning how to sheild myself. For those of you who think that is nuts, alright. Just think about this: EVERYTHING is made up of energy, and everything is carbon based. I won’t get into the EMFs of different things. I absorb everyone elses energy; I FEEL what they feel. I have many times where I get a HUGE wave of a feeling(usually bad), and have no idea where it came from. I need to learn to differentiate between what feelings are truly mine, and which are others’. 

I realize this post does not flow very well, but neither are my thoughts, I guess. 

Oh by-the-way, I would REALLY REALLY appreciate if you would each call your senators and tell them to OPPOSE the Veterans First bill. It does NOT put us first. It takes SOO long to fire a bad VA employee; sometimes more than a year. This happens even when these bastards have been CONVICTED of crimes. THAT is how much they really care about us. This bill would also take away CAPS ON BONUSES FOR V.A. EMPLOYEES. We are dying; waiting A DECADE to get what we have fucking earned, and these morons have it MADE. 

I got a little inside information on MY V.A. There are several doctors that have PAGES AND PAGES of complaints, and still get their “performance” bonuses. I kid you not. If one knows they do NOT have to perform; what the hell can we do to change that? Way too many veterans are dying needlessly, and we need you, our countrymen, to stand with us, and be our voice. 

Thank you for reading, and your patience with my rambling. God bless.

My guys on our little hotel bed.
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Confession of a Skincare Junkie

Having very pale skin, I have had my share of sunburns as a child. SPF products did not come out until my generation had already been burnt to a crisp, many a time. My dad had a pool dug the year before we moved, so we spent a lot of time in the sun. My shoulders and nose would get so burnt, they would blister. HUGE blisters on my shoulders. The only recourse our parents had, was to make us wear t-shirts. 

In junior high, we used to go on ski trips; sometimes overnight. On one such overnight ski trip, I had put sunscreen on my face the first day and got NO color So, stupidly, I decided NOT to wear sunscreen on the second day—BAD IDEA!! My face was so burnt, it was purple. Talk about agony. Thankfully, I was wearing sunglasses, or I could have gone snow blind, not to mention the sheer pain of that burn around my eyes.My mom tried to help by giving me moisturizers, but they just stung so badly. What I ended up doing was washing my face with Noxema, used no lotion and just let my skin peel off. 

Needless to say that was a hard lesson learned, but I did not go without sunscreen again. Unfortunately, the damage had been done. I also neglected my chest for years, so it became darker than the rest of me– sundamage and all. Even the texture was different.

When I was 19 or 20, my mom came to visit me, while I was in the Navy, stationed in Virginia. She asked me what I was using to moisturize my skin. I told her nothing, and she taught me the importance of moisturizing. It took another 10 or 15 years for me to really appreciate her advice.

Since my mid thirties, I have been obssessed with skin care. I have tried many differnt brands, from Philosophy, Sephora, Mabelline, Neutrogena, Sephora, to many department store brands and even high-end, very expensive products with diamonds and gold.

Between the sunburns as a child, and me neglecting my chest area, I have some sun spots on my face, and my neck and chest are a competely different shade and texture, than the rest of my body. I have what I think are deep wrinkles on my forehead(my husband says I see things he does not), and I had lines at the corner of my lips. My eyelids were droopy, and that stupid naseo-labial line is getting deep. Around my eyes is not too wrinkly, but I have dark circles, due to loss of volume.

I have very sensitive skin, and in my quest to find the perfect skin care routine, I tried things I should not have. One of those things was Retinol. It literally ate my face. I have a scar on my nose from retinol. Other things made my face red, tingle, dry out, break out, anything you can think of. 

One thing I do spend time on, is my skin care. I enjoy the multi-step process. It is actually the ONLY thing I do for myself. In the reading I have done, most women only want to do a three step process. That is not necessarily me. I have tried three step rountines, along with up to 12 steps. It did not seem to matter how many steps I did, not much progress was made. I still had all the sun spots and discoloration on my neck and chest.

I had heard great things for years about LaMer, so I did some reading. The guy who invented it was a rocket scientist, and was badly burned in an explosion. He began work on finding something to help his burns. What he found was seaweed on the Pacific coast. He found playing a certain music while it was doing it’s thing, made all the difference. I really wanted to try it, but is ungodly expensive, so I began looking for something else.

That is when I found my FAVORITE skin care website; AND produts. It is us.memebox.com  I started with the masks- they are half the price of others and are awesome. I then tried a double cleansing system(which I wish I had been doing for years), THEN comes the magic. I found some products that have completely transformed my skin; and I have been using it LESS THAN ONE WEEK! Within two days, the tone AND texture of my neck and chest began to change. My sun spots are fading, FAST! 

Not expetcting much, I took no before pictures. Actually, I take very few pictures. My mom was like that, too. All kinds of pictures of us, not many of her. I am not comfortable getting my picture taken, and don’t do selfies. I regret this a bit, only if to show you how my skin looked before. It was never horrible, people say I look about 10-15 years younger than I am, but this new routine is DIFFERENT. 

This is what I have been using: Snowflake and whipping cleansers, along with the marshmallow whip maker by Nooni($43). Vanpir dark repair youth activator by Ladykin($40), advanced snail 96 mucin power essence by COSRX($16), vanpir dark repair cream by Ladykin($25) and snail matrix eye cream by Scinic($10).

I learned that the snail mucin does that SAME thing that the seaweed does in LaMer; but for way, way less money. It is not nearly as gross as it sounds. It is actually very moisturizing, and skin softening. 

I encourage you to peruse the website for your yourself. There is makeup, and other things on this site as well. I have not tried any of the makeup, but ALL of the masks I have tried are awesome.

As well as the tone and texture of my skin changing, the lines at the corners of my mouth ARE GONE. HELPFUL TIP: Use your eye cream around your lips; it works. My wrinkles are even diminishing(which I though was impossible).

As far as masks and peels, I still but Peter Thomas Roth. He has a five or six piece mask set for $45. I have so many masks, scubs and peels, I do one almost every night. The only time I do not do one, is when I am feeling particularly lazy.

For me,taking care of my skin makes me feel better. Being a caregiver, I don’t do much for me–except this. I am lucky that my husband does not care what I spend; he says he just wants me to keep being happy, and beautiful. (Cue the AAHHHH!) These products may seem a bit pricey, but they are WELL worth the price. Thank you for reading, and God bless.

Freedom!!

I started this blog to try and get my feelings out of my body, and I have always enjoyed wrting(even though I had written NOTHING in years). I quickly became overwhelmed. At first, it felt freeing and healthy to get out my angst. Then, I began to feel YOUR pain and misinterpreted it for something else and I got my feelings hurt. Not that any of you knew this, but for that, I apologize. I am also CONSTANTLY fighting the urge to write, “if anybody reads this, or even cares”, due to the fact that I have been the listener and NEVER had another’s ear, or shoulder. The fact that even perfect strangers tell me their life stories, being the one EVERYONE came to in school for support. Shit, I was even voted “best shoulder to cry on” in my school yearbooks.

This part of my being an empath has affected me so much, that I got a tattoo of three tear drops on my shoulder in my twenties, as a symbol.

Since finding blogs from people with chronic illness and pain, as well as the empaths, I feel more free than I have EVER felt. It is so hard to describe. I know that I still have all the problems that I have myself; but I am encouraged that I can learn how to control and protect myself from other’s feelings. My physical pain nor illness will go away, but being able to recognize which are mine, and which are not, is going to be HUGE.

This understanding has also made me come back to actually blogging, and not just commenting on other’s blogs. I need to remind myself that my feelings are valid, it does not matter if ANYONE ever reads them, they are for ME. I will never be a rule follower(did enough of that in the Navy), so I don’t know all the rules of blogging and hope that I am not doing it incorrectly. Of course if I REALLY cared, I would have read all the rules, and DONE the excercises at blogger u, instead of just read them.

I want to thank all of you that have taken the time to read my words. A special thank you to those I have communicated with; you have all been kind and very helpful. I think I should stop blogging for now, thank you again and God bless.

Today, I…

I have to go to the dreaded VA today. This time it is dental. THEY have been good; once we got past their being all judgemental and shit about my teeth. You try and PUKE ALL DAY, EVERY DAY for six years and tell me in what kind of shape YOUR teeth would be in. It really frustrates me when some dickhead says that they care, and I KNOW they are lying. There is no way I am going to tell these dangerous people that I can FEEL their lies.They already tried to tell me that my now diagnosed, chronic illness(that THEY caused, by-the-way) was all in my head. Just another crazy vet.

I went to my new, useless primary care last week, I think, and I am not proud to say that I lost my temper– big time. At first I thought it was just because the doctors at the VA gave me more, or new PTSD(however that works), and that was why my feelings were so out of control.

Since starting this blog, I have been reading others’, and I want to thank ALL of you. I have learned a lot. One thing I have learned, is one of the reasons being in public is sooo emotional, is that I feel everyones’ emotions. There is an unbelievable amount of pain in this world, and I have known that since I was a child. 

I also FINALLY figured out why perfect strangers want to fucking touch me– which I HATE. I have been told that I am beautiful, but I KNEW that was not the reason- other attractive people are allowed to go through life without being accosted on a regular basis. They are attracted to my vibrations, my energy, and that is a huge weight lifted off of my chest. 

I have gone 48 years without really thinking about what it means to be empathic- I just suffered. The only way I can describe the feeling, is like the relief(and vindication) I felt when I finally got my diagnosis of gastroparesis after 6 years of being deathly ill, and the VA telling me that I am crazy and this was all in my head. 

I apologize if I am rambling. The way I do my blog is just to write what I am thinking at the moment. I am making myself at least proof read what I write.

I guess that I will close, for now. I want to thank you, again, for helping me so much. I really, really appreciate it- you have no idea. I can count on two hands, how many people have been kind to me, in my 48 years on this earth.

You all have a great day, and God bless.

ONE Thing Americans can do for Veterans

I received an email from my Congressman today, about the VA. He is going to be fighting to keep our Veteran’s Access Choice and Accountability act going, which EXPIRES AUGUST 2017. We NEED to keep this program. If not for this program, I would NOT have a diagnosis; and very well may be dead– I was very, very close.

The Veteran’s Administration is very good at prosthetics, and SOME places are good with PTSD and maybe TBIs, but Congress has FINALLY realized that the civilians are so much better with many other things. The VA that I am at, is not good with MST, TBIs, or anything complicated it seems.

I did not realize the difference in just the ATTITUDE of the healthcare workers in the VA, compared to the civilians. Not ONE SINGLE VA DOCTOR GAVE A SHIT ABOUT ME. They ALL assumed that, since I have military sexual trauma, it was all in my head; even as they were running a bunch of torturous tests(with NO sedation, I might add). They did the ONE test that would have diagnosed me, years ago, INCORRECTLY, and I cannot get anyone to listen. On the other side, I told the civilian doctor the SAME THING I had told every, single person at the VA(AND my Congressman), and he came up with a tentative diagnosis RIGHT THERE. He LISTENED. 

For six years, I was trying to tell the VA that a neck surgery they did, had made me ill. The ALL said, no way, no how, that is impossible. They even refused to let me go back to my neurosurgeon. That is CRAP. The civilians did the ONE test that would diagnose me; AND they did it correctly. They saved my life. It terrifies me to think of how many veterans did NOT live to get their diagnoses. 

So here is one thing Americans can do for us, the veterans. Tell your Congressmen they MUST make the CHOICE a priority in the 115th Congress. This SHOULD be a bi-partisan issue—PERIOD. Thank you for your time, and please, tell your Congressmen to PROVE to us, the American people, that those who keep us free, matter. Thank you again, and God bless.

A Veteran’s Letter to Americans

I realize that some of you are very upset about the election, but I do NOT understand why you are protesting DEMOCRACY. My political affiliation does not matter in this; what matters is how you are making THIS veteran feel. Why have the very people who make it possible for you to act like this, been relegated to second-class citizens for so many years?

I hear a lot of lip service, when it comes to the veterans, but I have not seen that Americans really even care about us; if it does not affect their immediate lives, if it is not all over social media, it’s like it doesn’t exsist. 

I realize it is your right to burn my country’s flag, but I find it totally disrespectful. It’s like spitting on the graves of those who made the ultimate sacrifice, for YOU!!

What I want from you is the outrage you are showing towards one person, and show some outrage at how your HEROES are being treated. We have fought AND sacrificed for you, now all we want is you to fight for US. I am not even asking for you to sacrifice anything, just MAKE our government keep it’s word to all of us. THAT goes beyond political parties. 

At what point do WE matter?

What It Will Take

I am not going to share my political views, but I think what has happened with this election  could help us veterans. No matter what side one was on, the passion was unmistakeable. In my humble opinion, it is going to take ALL AMERICANS, with all the passion they just showed, to tell the government that the way they treat the veterans is UNACCEPTABLE!!

No matter your view on war, or political party, ALL Americans should have the utmost interest in how their heroes are being treated. If WE had done this half-assed a job for our country, we would all be speaking Japanese. Yet, here we are, with only wait times being discussed, when it goes so much deeper, and is so much more corrupt than anyone who is not in it, knows.

We need to get stories like mine told. The ones that show the Veteran’s Administration for what it REALLY is. The stories I have heard are sickening. Stories, that if were not true, and happening EVERY DAY, would be too difficult to believe. Heck, I might not believe to what horrors the V.A. inflicts, if I had not experienced them firsthand.

I would be willing to testify in front of Congress; but that will never happen. Nobody wants to hear from us. 

One thing that does NOT surprise me is this: not one veteran wishes they had not served. We are all proud of our service and sacrifices. We ALL love our country, and it’s people. God bless and thank you for your time.

Patriotic, and metal!!

Why Even Bother?

So, I started my appointment at the V.A. yesterday, with the nurse calling me back almost 20 minutes late. She said that she did not receive my check-in info. She then asked me if I had checked in, and I said that OF COURSE I had. Not a good start.

My husband and I had made a nickle wager about my weight, and whoever came closer, without going over, won. Disappointment number two. I was sure that I weighed about 130 pounds. My husband said 123 pounds. I am 5’9″, and had gotten down to 108 pounds at one point. Anyway, I only weighed 122.7 pounds. The nurses never understand that I am ill, and always make some comment, or give me a nasty look, after they take my weight.

I know tha V.A. has given me a new level, or new kind of PTSD; however that works. It is different than the flashbacks I have from my MST, and is a little hard to explain. Of course, my blood pressure goes through the roof, my chest hurts, and I have a hard time controlling my emotions. I remember what it felt like to be on my death bed; and how crappy that felt. I was prepared to die, and not afraid, but it was still a crappy feeling.

When I tried to tell this doctor, whose name I don’t even remember, that the hospital is doing the gastric emptying studies incorrectly. He BARELY let me finish, then just said that he was not a radiologist. Oh my God, he IS a doctor, I thought, he does not care about his own patients. This ass has been there 3 MONTHS, and is already acting like this. He did not even aknowledge my diagnosis from the civilians. He listened to NOTHING. Did not even mention the chronic illness, nothing. I gave up, and just told him that I wanted a consult to a neurologist, some blood work, and a new muscle relaxer. I also got a flu and pneumonia shots.

My husband and I got in an argument in the exam room, and he ended up leaving, and going to sit in the car. I was so angry. I thought that I had every right to be angry, and not a fucking person cared. I felt abandonded and betrayed, once again. I have had to be my own advocate, so maybe they figured since I had no one in my life that gave a shit, why should they?

For the rest of the afternoon and evening, my husband ignored me, and I felt like, what is the point? I cannot even get people who are PAID to care, to act like they care. Why should I care about myself? I was struggling with this all night. I have spent many, many years alone, with not one single soul that cared about me. I am good being alone, but it would be nice to know that I mattered to another human.

Today, I feel weak and a bit ill. Yesterday took a lot out of me. For my own sanity, I am not going to care about what happens to me. This does not mean that I am giving up on being alive, I just cannot care– not when I have been the only one for so long. I am tired…

To be clear, I am not suicidal, so nobody worry about that. I am sure that eventually, I will snap out of it; I always do. Thanks for your time and God bless.

A Bit Nervous

I have my first appointment since I got my diagnosis from civilians, at the V.A. today. I am doing breathing excercises, but can already feel my anxiety going through the roof. I am afraid that I will not be able to control my temper. I want to tell ALL OF THEM that they should be ashamed of how they have treated us; those who keep them free. I want to SCREAM at the top of my lung that WE MATTER!!! 

Nothing that I have done, or said has made one bit of difference. Elected officials will not help- even in an election year. The patient advocate is a JOKE. They are doing LIFE SAVING, DIAGNOSTIC TESTS INCORRECTLY, and do not care. It makes me angry to think about how many veterans have lost their lives, just at my V.A. NOBODY CARES!

If this offends, too bad… If you work at a V.A., and are sitting idly by: you should be ashamed of yourself, AND I hope there is a special place in hell for you. 

I am just a little bit pissed, and PLEASE, do NOT tell me to get over it. I WILL get over it, but I have every right to vent!!!

I have spent the past 6 years trying to survive, while the V.A. was telling me I was fucking crazy. They ALMOST succeeded, I was very close to just killing myself. They made me believe that I was crazy, and ALL of this was in my head, even when all the medical evidence showed otherwise.

So, today, I have to deal with the gastroparesis, as well as find out what they are going to do about all the ovarian cycts I know apparently have. The V.A. did give me a dx of ischemia, which is when your intestines telescope back into iteself. It hurts, and can cause the intistine to die. Do you think they care about that? Nope. They just told me that it would keep happening, and hopefully, keep correcting itself. 

I think I am done venting. I am going to do some more breathing and play with my dogs. Have a good day. God bless. 🙂

I will let you know what happens…