Feeling Out-Of-Sorts

Yesterday was my dad’s birthday, and tomorrow is my brother’s. I have not seen either of them for years. My father even lives in the same town as I do.

I “reconnected” with my brother on Facebook a couple of years ago, and his friends had no idea he even HAD a sister. OUCH. I had no idea what to do with that, so I got off Facebook, and doubt I will ever get back on.

The history between my and my father is very complicated, but essentially ended when my mom died. It was unexpected and one of us needed to decide to take her off of life support. I was 24, my older brother was 24, and my younger brother was 22. They walked out of the room, and I had to make the decision to kill my mom.

He had not gotten along with my mom’s sister for over 30 years; yet they were sleeping together before my mom’s body was even cold. I cannot tell you how devastating that was to his children.

I was in the Navy, and had to go back , three weeks after she died. My brothers would call me, complaining about my father and aunt’s relationship. They, of course, were too fucking scared to say anything, so I did. I told my father that it was not right, and he said that he did not care what I thought. THAT was the beginning of the end.

Both my brothers have deserted me. I sent my brothers Christmas cards about 10 years ago, and they called me. My little brother ACTED like he gave a shit(After of course, he said, “but you are the smart one”), talking all kinds of crap about my dad. He said that my dad said he did not know where I was—LIE. My dad had told me, many times, that my brothers hate me. 

I envy those whose families stick by them. I lost every bit of support I ever had, when I was 24; I am now 48.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, I appreciate it. Have a great day. 🙂

This would be an example of my “happy place”. I need to picture that a lot today!
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26 thoughts on “Feeling Out-Of-Sorts

  1. windywolfman

    Looks like the patriarchal influence caught hold of the thoughts & lifestyle of your brothers too, so much that a lusty dad meant more to them than a caring sis.. At the end of the day, there’s nobody for anybody. It’s only you for yourself, regardless of how many friends and families we have. So why care?! 🙂 Perhaps the brothers don’t want to lose any inheritance from their dad hahah

    Liked by 1 person

      1. windywolfman

        Yep.. That’s the main reason behind the hideous traits we see in families.. They live in fear, which pushes them away from living in open light lol 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m not sure why people think that our relatives will always be there for us. Just because we share the same DNA? Well, as human beings, we share DNA with everyone on the whole planet. We don’t choose our families — we choose our friends. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      1. The only friends I have are on WordPress. They listen and don’t judge. They pick me up when I’m feeling sad. They help me live one day at a time. As for loyalty, I suppose I would have to learn to trust others first. When really, the only person I trust is myself.

        You can’t change the way people are. They make their own choices. And you get to make your own, too. Choose wisely, if you can. If not, learn from the experience, then move on. Seriously, life is too short to be mad at the things you cannot change. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  3. You have EVERY right to feel. Your father sleeping with your aunt after your mother died is NOT ok!!! Your family deserting you is NOT ok. You having to make the decision to let your mom go on your OWN was NOT ok. I am so sorry they have abandoned you. Reconnecting with your brother to find out no one knew you existed….wow that had to hurt….punch right to the stomach. You exist! You matter! Even if they don’t act as if you do. And although we cannot control other people we darn sure can wish things were different, wish we had a strong family support, wish our father weren’t sleeping with our aunt, wish we were loved. I freaking wish we could control them. I wish our words would change them and make them see how selfish they are. Birthdays are the worst. My dad’s is coming up too. He also lives in my town. They are just a reminder of what we don’t have and that sucks!
    Umm. The comments on this post are not very supportive, understanding or …well anything…it is disappointing to read you have opened your heart to hear such responses. Don’t let that affect you. You deserve to be validated!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. No NOOOO!!!! Please write!!! It is so important to write. Those who don’t listen just delete their comments. You were meant to write this. My dad’s birthday is this week and I was thinking I was all alone in my thoughts and your blog helped me. You touch lives. Keep writing and fuck everyone that chooses to not give you understanding and empathy.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m sorry that my comment upset you. I hope you know that was not my intent. I wasn’t trying to discount your feelings. In fact, I know how you feel. Support from my family is not something I can ever count on.

    Maybe it’s because I’m an old woman, but I think it’s important to let go sometimes. A lot of people have family problems, myself included, and I finally had to let go of all that bad stuff — for my own sanity. For my own health.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Writing is not for everyone. When I first started blogging, I was hesitant about sharing some things. It’s not like sharing is always easy. But, I have a lot of anger inside of me that I’m trying to get rid of, and my blog gives me that outlet. And it’s not like the posts where I rant are popular or anything, but they do make me feel a little bit better… until I get angry again. Anger can be motivating, but it can also be very destructive. Plus, when I get angry, it makes my head pound more — something I try to avoid.

        If you don’t want to write about yourself, you can choose other ways to express yourself. Maybe you could try writing fiction or poetry. Or express yourself with photos and memes, like I sometimes do. This blog is yours. It’s your digital self. You have the freedom to do with it what you want. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Families! First, I am sorry to hear about the loss of your Mom at such a young age – and the role you had to play. Sometimes grief tears a family apart the way yours did – I know that when my eldest sister died, my family went through a similar falling out. She seemed to be the central figure that held us together – without her, no one stepped into the role. Birthdays are markers, and we can’t help but notice them as they pass, and be reminded of the pain. You are brave to write, opening a door for the rest of us to recognize and acknowledge our own familial patterns.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hello my brave and wonderful friend. I want you to stop with the idea you killed your mom! You did not !!! I worked in I.C.U.’s, and my Ron still does. Her body was dying being kept alive by artificial means. In the normal course of events she would have already died, and was basically just being kept alive with the core of her person gone. You made a decision that is really hard to make but needed to be done to give what was left of your mother some peace and let her rest in a less stressful, less painful state. She was already gone by then as her body couldn’t sustain her. Never let anyone say you killed her. It simply is not true.

    As for families. Sometimes they come together and sometimes they move apart. Hard to form relationships if we are not in the same places or in the same frame of mind. I have no contact with my “family” due to the abuse and the situation of my childhood and I prefer it that way. I prefer the friends I make, the people I care for, the social interactions I have far more than anything my memories give me about them. I would ask you, isn’t your life better without their negative thoughts and feelings? What would they ask you to give to be part of them, and would they be willing to give as much to be part of your life. See when it is that one sided you owe them nothing. You and your husband have been through too much, suffered for others too much. Do not let those of shallow mind bring you down. My best wishes for you, you both are grand. Hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

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