I have spent a lifetime feeling what others push away; all their crap. All.Of.It.
My parents used to tell me that I was too sensitive. I wanted to be a psychologist when I was in high school. My mom told me that I would not be able to do that, because I took things too personally. It was the only time she said I could NOT do something.
I need alone time quite often, because of everone’s drama. Every single person is pushing SOME kind of crappy feeling away— and it all comes to me.
I do get to feel some of the good stuff, but most keep that to themselves. Some may say that I sound crazy; and I am, but not because of this(haha).
I was explaining this to a therapist a couple of years ago, and she told me that I am empathic. That expalined a lot, I suppose.
I have a hard time in public; the feelings get overwhelming, and for some reason, people feel the need to TOUCH me, which I have HUGE issues with.
I have learned to compartmentalize rather well, but I stIll get overwhelmed, at times. I am very sensitive and being able to compartmentalize has been vital to my survial. To others, it may seem like I am stoic, or I have no issues. There are times that I just want to scream that I have feelings and they fucking MATTER.
Since that therapist told me about being empathic, other things in my life seem to make a little more sense. I LOVED sports, lettered in 3 sports all three years of high school. They were NOT team sports. I ran track and cross-country, and played tennis(singles), and danced tap, jazz and ballet. Girls are balls of emotion to begin with, and when I had to feel all the bad stuff, I was better off on my own.
I was voted “best shoulder to cry on”, in school; and have always been a good listener. The only problem was, if I needed a shoulder, nobody was there. They all ASSUMED that my life was awesome.
I am not sure how this is going to be received, but here goes… My husband said something one day that kind of surprised me. he said that he figured that my life was very easy and that I could get whatever I want; because of the way I look. I told him that my looks are one of the reasons my life has NOT been easy. One fucking woman even tried to run me over with her car; even told the cop! Not a THING happened to her, either. I went to the hospital.
I will no longer be suicidal. I should have died three times, and God kept me alive. I am still struggling with WHY He kept me here, but I am working on it.
Thank for reading. God bless.