Why Even Bother?

So, I started my appointment at the V.A. yesterday, with the nurse calling me back almost 20 minutes late. She said that she did not receive my check-in info. She then asked me if I had checked in, and I said that OF COURSE I had. Not a good start.

My husband and I had made a nickle wager about my weight, and whoever came closer, without going over, won. Disappointment number two. I was sure that I weighed about 130 pounds. My husband said 123 pounds. I am 5’9″, and had gotten down to 108 pounds at one point. Anyway, I only weighed 122.7 pounds. The nurses never understand that I am ill, and always make some comment, or give me a nasty look, after they take my weight.

I know tha V.A. has given me a new level, or new kind of PTSD; however that works. It is different than the flashbacks I have from my MST, and is a little hard to explain. Of course, my blood pressure goes through the roof, my chest hurts, and I have a hard time controlling my emotions. I remember what it felt like to be on my death bed; and how crappy that felt. I was prepared to die, and not afraid, but it was still a crappy feeling.

When I tried to tell this doctor, whose name I don’t even remember, that the hospital is doing the gastric emptying studies incorrectly. He BARELY let me finish, then just said that he was not a radiologist. Oh my God, he IS a doctor, I thought, he does not care about his own patients. This ass has been there 3 MONTHS, and is already acting like this. He did not even aknowledge my diagnosis from the civilians. He listened to NOTHING. Did not even mention the chronic illness, nothing. I gave up, and just told him that I wanted a consult to a neurologist, some blood work, and a new muscle relaxer. I also got a flu and pneumonia shots.

My husband and I got in an argument in the exam room, and he ended up leaving, and going to sit in the car. I was so angry. I thought that I had every right to be angry, and not a fucking person cared. I felt abandonded and betrayed, once again. I have had to be my own advocate, so maybe they figured since I had no one in my life that gave a shit, why should they?

For the rest of the afternoon and evening, my husband ignored me, and I felt like, what is the point? I cannot even get people who are PAID to care, to act like they care. Why should I care about myself? I was struggling with this all night. I have spent many, many years alone, with not one single soul that cared about me. I am good being alone, but it would be nice to know that I mattered to another human.

Today, I feel weak and a bit ill. Yesterday took a lot out of me. For my own sanity, I am not going to care about what happens to me. This does not mean that I am giving up on being alive, I just cannot care– not when I have been the only one for so long. I am tired…

To be clear, I am not suicidal, so nobody worry about that. I am sure that eventually, I will snap out of it; I always do. Thanks for your time and God bless.


9 thoughts on “Why Even Bother?

  1. bethanyk

    Reblogged this on NOT MY SECRET…overcoming the shame of sexual abuse and commented:
    This is one of OUR veterans. The title of her post, after she went to an appointment at the VA. Our veterans should not feel discounted, or discouraged, or dis-ANYTHING. They should be getting the top medical care by doctors that put them top of the list. And yet, here, this phenomenal woman, feels like “why bother.”
    I have a neighbor who is a double amputee. He needs new wheelchair tires. He is a Vietnam veteran. He is still waiting for new wheelchair tires. Week after week after week. That should NEVER happen. Our veterans deserve better and it is disgraceful the lack of care the VA gives them. I thank them for their service and wish a better future SOON that involves treating them like the heroes that they are.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much. It is has been hard to get the public to understand what TRULY goes on at the V.A. They ACTIVELY try and kill people, some of us live(I am not the only one, others are far worse than mine), and they hate that. I know that it is difficult to believe that people that are SUPPOSED to take good care of us, are trying to kill us off— all for money. The truth is far stranger and more tragic than fiction. Thank you for caring, you have no idea how much that means to me. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so sorry that you have to go through this and are treated with nonchalance and apathy by the very “professionals” that take an oath to do no harm. Thank you for your service. I hope things will get better.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is terrible and I am sorry for them treating you that way. It’s total bullshit! I am so sick and tired of those who should matter don’t especially those who serve. I want to personally thank YOU for doing the bravest thing for us all to be safe. God bless you and one more thing… I do care about you! Please take care of yourself!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Can we talk good friend? Are you up for it tonight? IF so let me start with your husband. It is hard for him who is use to taking charge to have to sit by while you struggle and hurt. He wants to be the man he once was and charge to your defence with the doctors but may feel he simply has no strength to bring to the fight. Not to fault him, but I have been in his place. Wanting to do something , anything, yet not able, and so the only thing to do is withdraw. That in no way means he doesn’t love you.

    As for your treatment at the V.A. have you gone to the patient advocate? Ron and I used them once. Also can you now go totally civilian health care? You seem to do so much better there.

    I don’t know all of your situation but I do care. Be well, try to see the positives. Even though this visit went bad, you still have the diagnosis and access to civilian medical care right? Know you are loved, you are NOT alone. In every relationship there is ups and downs, angers and feelings of letdown. But you found each other. Cherish that if you will let me say. I am here if you need to vent. It is hard, but we walk the road we have with the people we can find on it. The Native Americans call it the Red Road. Sometimes those on the road race ahead of us, sometimes we pass those we leave behind. The obstacles in the road are challenges for us each different in our own lives. Quite an interesting take on our lives if you look it up. You have charged up the Red Road at a grand pace, but now you have the obstacles, you face the fact that you can’t do what you did, those you went by now may pass you. What this teaches us is the road is mental, emotional, spiritual . If I can help let me know. Many hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I have been to the patient advocate. I happened to get a good one. She QUIT, because she got NO support. So, that didn’t work. I have gone to my Congressman, and HE did not even care. I think it makes a big difference that I was always alone. Maybe they figured that if I was well enough to FIGHT for my health, I was not that ill. Not sure what to do now. I get to go to the civilians for a year at time, so I hope they can just re-do the consult. I will definitely look up the Red Road. Again, thank you for caring, it means a lot.

      Liked by 2 people

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